The Tale of the Suspicious Pumps

Local teen and tween retailers hawk a shoe brand that makes shoes that look like hot edgy pumps, and feel like hot edgy pumps, that come in some really exciting hip metallics and faux patent leathers, and for the 10 minutes you try them on in the store, even wear like hot edgy pumps (the words ‘so comfortable’ have been known to come up).

AND to top it all off, they range in price from (now brace yourselves) sometimes $10 – 60$!!!! (you can find them here and here for a range of affordable prices)

When I’m at one of those stores, wanting to put together an outfit a la club gear, seeing heels like that makes me a little giddy. Check out the Glitter Bella Pump from Bongo.

Logically one knows, and that rude little imp in the back of your head likes to remind you, that you “shouldn’t!” and “you’ll regret it” and “you know that for these prices, zippers will bust, buttons will come off and seams will fray in no time!.”

But you’re so glazed over by what everything looks like (ie. a sweet deal) that you keep trying to highlight the positives of the situation.

You say, “well, they’re ONLY …$” and “they look so nice” and “just cuz they’re cheap doesn’t mean they’re bad quality, that’s a stereotype” and “they feel almost comfortable on” etc…

Well, aren’t you the little optimist!

Of course, the true face of items such as these – always shows itself AFTER those 10 minutes of in store wear. Much like a husband, after you’ve said ‘yes’.

I was in a local tweeny shop with my sister.

Doing all of the above, and this after Christmas, so it was especially cheap and everyone was delighted with their ‘deals.’

We saw 15$ hyper-high high heels covered entirely with a dense layer of gold sparkles. Tried them on and of course were totally impressed.

Decided we definitely had to buy them and wear them to the party that night. But at the same time my brain kept attacking me saying that for prices like that they’re definitely made out of cardboard and since when did I fall for stuff like that? It doesn’t sound like a realistic appraisal but……10 minutes into the party I was dancing around barefoot with my feet bruised and blistered all over.

The massive heels, and steep arch of the shoes, made my feet fit smaller and slide forward into the toe – so far so that rather than 2 toes elegantly peeking out, there was half my foot pouring out the front, with my toes
all gnarled together.

And the sole of the shoe was really heavy, not at all flexible – pretty well the equivalent of dangling a piece of concrete from your ankles. Have you ever seen the way clowns walk on stilts? Well, what can I say – I was looking hot.

Today those shoes stand tall and sexy – at the top of the top shelf of my closet.

Real physical pain stays with you – and those pretty sparkles will forever look like the petals of a venus fly trap in my head – they have big jagged teeth and a mean streak.

So now, when I walk through an unfamiliar shoe store and see the latest trends made with slightly duller colours, and suspiciously dense materials for regular priced shoes that aren’t so cheap you’d notice, and a tacky but youth-oriented name like delicious, I run straight out the door.

Help! Fashion Police! Help!


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